Top Five Best 2-Letter Movies Ever

"Brevity is the soul of wit."  Someone said that once, I think.  I've never really understood it, but according to google, brevity is a comic strip I've never read.

5. F/X
Bryan Brown plays a man who uses a shitload of makeup to elude a bunch of scumbags.  Switch "elude" to "attempt to bone" and you have a documentary about Snooki.

...stunning.

4. It
The feel good story of Pennywise, a lovable clown who finds a group of children and devotes his life to entertaining and captivating them with seltzer water and pies in the face. Simply heartwarming.

Kids love him!

3. Up
The most widely beloved animated feature since the one Pixar made a year before it.

Close enough.

2.  Pi
Darren Aronofsky's prequel to the American Pie saga. Memorable scenes include the time Jim's parents walked in on him thrusting his junk into a supercomputer. If only we didn't have to keep suffering through the catchphrase "this one time, at stock market..."

Starting the American Pie franchise depressed Aronofsky so much, he directed Requiem for a Dream

1.  ET
A nice reminder that American hatred of brown aliens didn't just crop up after 9/11.  This film also contains the best role of Drew Barrymore's career.

Police in Arizona are trained to lure illegals with promise of Reese's Pieces.

Dishonorable mention:  RV
This movie is actually worse than having to go across country in an RV.

Yes, this is actually a movie that someone wrote, someone else read and went "sure, sounds great", and spent millions of dollars on making.  And for some reason Robin Williams thought "yeah, I don't have enough money yet this sounds like something I should do."  And then someone else decided to make this poster with the tagline "On a family vacation, no one can hear your scream."  And then people actually went and saw it.  Jesus, I wouldn't see this if I was poisoned and the recipe for the antidote was spelled out in the end credits.

--NF

Top Five Quotes That Don't Make You Deep, They Make You A Douche Bag, Ever

Get your unfriend buttons ready and let's get started.

5.  Any Bob Marley quote
Here's the thing-- I like Bob Marley.  He wrote some great songs.  Redemption Song?  Amazing.  And how is No Woman No Cry not one of the greatest songs ever penned?  But he's adored by so many people who are complete idiots that I have to scoff when people mention him, and it breaks my heart.  "Emancipate yourself from mental slavery"?  You're a middle class white male in America.  Seriously, old Bob's gotta be exhausted from rolling over in his grave so much from the self-indulgence of these morons.  And let's just get this one out of the way-- smoking weed doesn't make you Rasta;  it makes you a college student.  None of your experiences are unique or beautiful, they're the same tripe spouted by everyone who's smoked pot for the first time.

Ugh.

I'm a duh-- I'm a duuuh--  I'M A DUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHH

4.  "Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift...that's why it's called the present"
Seriously?  I can't believe people have actually said this without stabbing themselves in the leg with a pen.  Today isn't a gift, just because we refer to now as the present.  They have totally different etymologies*.  And even if they didn't, today isn't a gift.  You know what I did today?  The same thing I do every day. And tell a woman in Turkey or someone in the Sudan that today is a gift and see if you can manage to keep from getting kicked in the shins.

This is why kids don't care about reading.

3.  "Good friends will bail you out of jail.  Great friends will be in there with you!"
You're a 19-year old girl majoring in communications.  You're not a gangster.  Do the world a favor and never talk again.

Remember Hot-Lindsay?  So brutal

2. "Do or do not; there is no try"
You're quoting Yoda?  Christ.  Next time just change your status to the last fortune cookie you had.

"A pleasant surprise is in store for you.  Bingxiang: refrigerator."

Not cool, bro

1.  "The things you own end up owning you"
Fun fact: 100% of people who put up this quote were wearing an Aeropostale T-shirt, and were too dumb to get the irony.

Closest I could find to a Tyler Durden photo

--NF
*probably

Top Five Movie Villains From the Last Five Years Ever

Alright readers, here are the top five movie villains of the last five years. Keep watch for an updated list after my biopic comes out.

5.  Frank Costello, The Departed
 Honestly, I can't really justify this answer other than the fact that someone had to be #5 and this last half-decade was pretty weak for bad guys.  Let's step it up in 2011-2015. I'm looking at you, Bobby.

You handsome devil, you

4. Stuntman Mike, Death Proof
He's scary, mean, has a weird foot-fetish, and has given us the most badass car-chase scenes this side of Steve McQueen.

Zoe Bell: Australian for "driver"

3. The Joker, The Dark Knight
Somehow-- and I don't know how-- Heath Ledger managed to play the same role that previously held the titled of best Batman villain (obviously, I mean the 1989 role from the aforementioned Nicholson) and not only did it better, but blew it away. And introduced us to the awesome disappearing pencil trick.  We'll see him again in George A Romero's sequel, Night of the Living Ledger*.

2. Anton Chigurh, No Country for Old Men
Bardem made the bowl cut even scarier.  He also took the Two Face coin-flip and made it terrifying, instead of doing what Aaron Eckhart did, which in most cultures isn't even technically considered acting.  Why was he even in that movie?  Nolan might as well have re-cast Schwarzenegger.

Nooooooo

1. Hans Landa, Inglourious Basterds
This man is-- in his own words-- a bingo. Simply put, he's the best villain since Hannibal Lecter (in Silence of the Lambs. If all we had to base him on was the abortion that was Hannibal, we'd all be mentioning Lecter in the same breath as Jane Fonda in Monster In-Law).



*Too soon?

Top 5 songs named after girls.

5 — Angie by the Rolling Stones


4 — Jessica by the Allman Brothers


3 — Cecilia by Simon and Garfunkel


2 — Billie Jean by Michael Jackson


1 — Alison by Elvis Costello

Top Five Worst Moments To Stop Believin' Ever

Get ready to hold on to that feelin' with our Top Five Worst Moments to Stop Believin' Ever*

5. College Humor
Parody of the original. I suppose it's ironic that I'm posting a video mocking the song we're here lauding, but the guy swooning at 1:36 makes me forget all that.

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

4. My cousin Tim's wedding.
No video evidence. Thank god.

3. Family Guy
That is Journey!


2. Sopranos
Won't be a spoiler and post the link, but an awesome end to an awesome series.

1. Scrubs


0. Glee.
Zero, as in "zero chance I will ever watch this show or post a video from it on this site". I hate that show more than Adam West hates baseball cards.

-NLF

*previously known as Top Five Don't Stop Believin' Moments Ever.

Top Five Best Troy McClure Movies Ever

Hi, I'm Troy McClure.  You may remember me from such films as...

5. Christmas Ape/ Christmas Ape Goes to Summer Camp

It's about time they made a sequel to Christmas Ape.

4. Son of Sanford and Son
Click here.

3. The Greatest Story Ever Hulaed
Rumor is they're remaking this with Megan Fox.  Keep your eyes peeled.

2. They Came To Burgle Carnegie Hall
Think Ocean's 11 with Practice! Practice! Practice!

1. All The President's Monkeys
Starring Christmas Ape!

--NLF

Top Five Best Websites Ever

1.  This one.
2-5. TBA